The Question Burning My Brain

A woman thinking
A woman thinking (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

How can you love yourself, exactly as you are, in the exact place you are, and still want to be better? I don’t want to spoil the ending or anything, but I’m actually asking this question. The answer won’t be at the end, because I don’t know it. This question burns a hole in my brain and I think if/when I finally figure it out, I will have found my key to success.

Yes, I’m talking about weight loss. Again. Ugh. I’m just as sick of talking about it as you are. But, I just feel like I’m missing a teeny, tiny piece to complete my puzzle. It’s like the corner piece is missing and I can’t walk away with the puzzle not complete because I’ve already spent so much time putting it together. I can’t be satisfied knowing it can be whole.

I’m a huge fan of the body love movement that’s been happening. I’m reading more and more about body acceptance and  how sick people are of body shaming. YAY! I love this. I love that women can love themselves and I promise you I’m trying to as well. I mean, I deserve it, right? I’m pretty damn awesome.

So, let’s say I get there. I am able to finally love and accept myself – flaws and all. I can look in the mirror and say, “Hey HOT STUFF!” and totally mean it. But here’s the kicker – the part that I just can’t  wrap my brain around. If I look in the mirror and accept what I see, then how do I change it? I’ve had two doctors and a personal trainer tell me I need to lose weight. So, I love what I see, but for my own health, I need to change it – modify it. How does that work? Seriously? I don’t get it. How can I love what I see, knowing that it really needs to change?

How do you accept where you are so you can move forward to something better? 

I’m ready to get off this carousel because I’m sick of spinning around on it. I get to a place where I can finally begin the acceptance and then because I have accepted, truly accepted, myself, there’s no motivation to change. On the other hand, a couple of doctors and a personal trainer tell you you’re overweight and you have a little motivation. But the motivation is fueled by a need to change my body. How can I accept something I KNOW needs changed?

Once I stop this question from pinging through my head and holding all my thoughts hostage, I think I’ll finally get it. You might think I should already “get it” as a former personal trainer and someone who has lost weight before. The thing is, I did that as a way of hating myself. I was disgusted with how I looked and wanted to change it. Once I lost weight I still didn’t feel hot or awesome or sexy or whatever, I just knew I wasn’t fat anymore. And everyone was telling me how great I looked, so it must have been true. Except it wasn’t – not to me.

So, how do we get there? How do we love ourselves right where we are and still make changes?

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3 thoughts on “The Question Burning My Brain

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  1. If you find the answer to your question, trademark it, because everyone will want to know what it is, and you’ll have a truckload of money. Unfortunately, so many people suffer from the same issue, whether it be weight or something else about themselves they struggle to accept yet change. Wish I had the answer for you. I guess we just keep plugging along.

  2. I don’t know — I deal with it every day still. This summer, I was ready to just let it all go. If I gained some back, I gained some back (which I was already there, and struggling to get it off). I was exercising like mad and circling a number that just refused to budge. About 4 or 5 weeks ago, something changed, and I couldn’t tell you what it was. I don’t know if on some level, I made peace with my body. I don’t know if some chemical or hormonal shift happened and suddenly….. I mean, I truly DO NOT KNOW what happened, but in the last few weeks I have steadily lost. It’s not much — half-pound a week? But when I weigh in, I’m now saying, “Whatever it is, it is. I’m still good.” Maybe that’s it. I know some was stress with job uncertainty (which has since been settled). But somehow I think it was more. Somehow, I think it was a little voice, whispering to my deepest soul that my worth can never be measured on a scale. All it reflects is the amount of gravity needed to hold me to earth. That’s all. Some days, I might need a little more gravity to keep me grounded. Other days, not so much. I’ll always want to improve and be a better person, so that part is good. But I am learning — albeit very slowly — not to beat myself up over it. And like everyone else, we’ll all keep plugging along and helping each other.

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