I started gaining back all the weight I lost about a year and a half ago. This put me in a pretty crappy depression, even avoiding things like the pool on the weekends with my family and making sure I wasn’t in any photos. I got really down on myself about it and then started reading all about the positive body image movement. So, I thought I’d give that a try. See, I lost 30 pounds several years ago because I had just gotten disgusted with myself. The weight came off pretty easily and I maintained it for a couple of years without any trouble at all. I hated my old, fat self. I was disgusted that I could let myself go like that. That made gaining all the weight (and then some) back all the more devestating. I was someone that my former, thin self would hate. So, I thought the answer to that would be self love. This time around I would love myself. I would treat my body with respect and appreciate it for what it could do.
Yeah, that shit isn’t working. I get that I’m supposed to love myself exactly as I am. I’ve been trying it for a while now. Ya know what else I believe in? Tough love. If my kid brings home a bad grade, sure I still love her. But that shit isn’t going to fly. Bad grades are unacceptable because she is capable of so much more. And really, so am I! What’s the difference in over eating and over drinking? They are both self distructive behaviors that lead to MORE self destructive behaviors. Being “gentle” with myself when I make a mistake doesn’t seem nearly as effective as when I say, “Uh, yeah, you can’t do that. Now, give me 10 laps!”
Look, I know all this sounds counter-intuitive. It’s completely against all that I’ve been trying to do and convince myself of for over a year. But after handling myself with kid gloves and giving myself the proverbial participation trophy, I’m heavier than ever. Maybe the total self love stuff isn’t for everyone.
I don’t hate myself. I mean, I’m freaking awesome. But, to continuosly over eat without consequences because I’m kind to myself – uh, no.
So, I’m taking a new approach. I love myself alright. I do NOT, however, love what I’ve let myself become. And I’ll be damned if I go through another summer feeling like a total loser in a bathing suit. I may never feel comfortable in a bikini, but I won’t sit at the pool regretting every bite of food I’ve taken and every skipped work out ever again. Never. Ever.
I love myself enough to know I need a little ass kicking. A little tough love.