I also know that I’m human and that human part of me really, really wants to be the size I was a few years ago. This has never been more true than very recently. One of my daughters is in need of some new summer clothes. I had stored away all my “skinny” clothes with the full intention of getting back into them. This being “fat” thing is totally temporary. Anyway, I asked my husband to get my skinny clothes out of the attic to see if any of them would be suitable for our daughter to wear.
There were two garbage bags crammed completely full of adorable freaking clothes. My daughter was so excited and so was I! I know I’m supposed to be working on getting my head right, but damn do I want to wear some of those cute clothes that I totally forgot I had!! The desire to workout had never been stronger in my whole.entire.life. If it hadn’t been time to leave for work, I could have worked out for hours. Seriously.
I’ve read that you should buy something in your “goal size” and keep it in view for your motivation. This seems counter-intuitive to the whole loving yourself right where you are thing. That’s when it hit me….I need a little of both.
Is there really anything wrong with having a goal in mind? Is it possible to love yourself where you are while simultaneously working on a goal? Will all of this totally backfire on me again?
The answer to all of those questions is an astounding….
I have no freaking idea!!!!
I do know that I didn’t listen to the chocolate call that usually beckons about three o’clock every afternoon while I was thinking about some of those cute shirts I want to wear again. I know that when I looked in the mirror today I smiled at myself a little bigger thinking about how good it would feel to put on a dress and not get dizzy from sucking in my gut so hard.
Yes, I smiled at myself in the mirror. The same mirror whose image I scowled at just yesterday for not being good enough.
I do want to be a smaller size. There – I said it. I’m just glad I’m not a politician because you guys would be throwing flip flops at every single one of my posts. I really do go back and forth about whether or not this weight loss thing can or should be about size. I know that my head gets so screwed up trying to make sure I love myself and all the while I’m stuffing my face like a homeless person. That’s not working. Exercising and dieting myself down to my goal size didn’t work either. Not long term. So, I need both a goal and the willingness to dig a little deeper this time.
And I never in a million years thought I would quote Jessica Simpson, but she says something pretty profound in one of her Weight Watchers ads:
“This body made two amazing little human beings. I love this body and what it’s capable of. No matter what size, but this version feels really good.”
I do love my body and what it’s capable of. I also know I feel better in my own skin at a smaller size. The body image movement is a great thing, but I think it’s swung us so far to the other side that we are to believe that we shouldn’t try to be better. Does wearing mascara mean I don’t love my body and the way I look just the way I am? No, it means I feel better wearing some mascara. What’s the difference?
Why can’t I love myself and still want to be the absolute freaking best version of myself that I can be? Isn’t that the ultimate way to show myself love?